Rules of Engagement: Boomers, Prepare for ‘The Talk’

It took almost two years for Phil Sullivan and his wife, Rose, to persuade her mother to move into an independent living facility. As the matriarch of a family of 11 children, Rose’s mother was accustomed to ruling the roost in her Seattle home. But at age 90 and still caring for an adult son with Down syndrome, she was clearly having trouble handling both their needs. Meals were becoming difficult to prepare, and housekeeping and laundry were a struggle.

Still, the Sullivans found it hard to talk to the mother about making some significant changes. When they tried to discuss the situation with her, she would remain silent and then say no to possible solutions. It wasn’t until a doctor stepped in and warned them about the health risks Rose’s mother faced that the son with Down syndrome went to live with one of his brothers—an arrangement that had been made long ago in case his mom could no longer help care for him.

Rose and her siblings banded together and told their mother she couldn’t continue living alone without assistance. Finally, she was persuaded to move. “She wasn’t happy about the decision, and moving day was not a nice day,” Phil Sullivan says.

Even Sullivan, who as executive director of Senior Services of Snohomish County in Everett, Wash., is familiar with issues concerning older adults, couldn’t avoid one of today’s “parent traps”: how to speak with older parents about their evolving needs. According to a study by the Boomer Project, a Richmond, Va.-based marketing research and consulting company, nearly a third of adult children said overcoming parent-child roles was the main obstacle to discussing caregiving issues, and the most difficult topic is where their parents will live.

But there is help. Home Instead Senior Care, an international home services provider, has introduced the “40-70 Rule.” The title refers to the ages that adult children and their parents should be when they begin conversations about caregiving and other issues. The guide offers scenarios and tips to help adult children navigate sensitive topics, such as declining health, driving safety, personal care, financial resources and living arrangements.

Natalie Tucker Miller of Burlington, Vt., says she was fortunate to have her mother initiate the talk when her mom was in her 70s. Miller’s mother, who remarried later in life, told her daughter that she didn’t want to be a burden and she wanted to go to a nursing home when the time came. But her stepfather, who was fiercely independent, was a challenge when it came to discussing personal issues.

“When we realized that we had to have those conversations with her husband and it wasn’t going to go as smoothly, we wanted to be respectful and not take away his dignity,” Miller says. “We had to honor that he didn’t want to have that conversation. We had to let that be OK.”

So how did she overcome his resistance? Miller, founder of Ageless-Sages Publishing, which specializes in picture books for elders, says she became more observant and asked questions. “You have to get their buy-in and follow the lead of the elders,” she says.

Miller suggests gradually bringing up issues and using articles from newspapers or the Internet or anecdotes about friends to let parents know that others are going through the same situation. She began to research nursing homes and carefully laid out her stepfather’s options. In time, he came to accept moving to an assisted living facility with Miller’s mother.

So did Phil Sullivan’s mother-in-law. After she settled in, she quietly told her daughter she couldn’t have found a better place.

Ingrid Sturgis is a writer and editor in New Jersey.