Age-old questions about older guys: Book addresses May-December relationships.

John Tanasychuk

Aug. 27, 2008 (McClatchy-Tribune Regional News delivered by Newstex) -- Psychologist Dr. Laura Grashow didn't go looking for the subject of her first book.

It came to her Aventura office, as more and more women asked her the same questions: Why am I attracted to older men? What am I getting myself into?

Her co-author and longtime friend, psychologist Dr. Belisa Vranich of New York City, was getting the same questions.

Dating the Older Man: Consider Your Differences and Decide if He's Right for You (Adams Media, $14.95) focuses on a 13- to 15-year age difference, or the woman who is dating a man who could have been her very young father.

Grashow points to the "Viagra effect." The drug, she says, revealed that sexuality doesn't stop with middle age. It goes hand and hand with other modern phenomena, such as an increase in cosmetic surgery and online dating, which has made meeting people of different ages more common.

Middle age no longer has to mean a mid-life crisis, she says, because Baby Boomers have a different mentality than the previous generation. Mid-life has morphed into having another life, or another chance.

What are the biggest pitfalls for these relationships?

A much older guy can take on the role of a surrogate father. Both could be searching for a dynamic like that. She wants to give up some responsibility; he can tell her what to do. ... A healthy relationship involves two adults. Each partner comforts and supports each other.

Can unequal ages lead to an equal partnership?

There's got to be mutual respect. Experience is not everything. Smarts and heart and soul matter for a lot, too.

Can you expect marriage?

They can say whatever they want until the cows come home, but you have to look at their behaviors. ... Don't assume that just because he's divorced that he's all prepped and primed and ready to [get married]. Some older guys have come out of very traumatic situations.

What if your parents don't

approve?

It depends on the kind of history you have with your parents. ... Be open and honest and say, "I've met someone. This man means a lot to me."

What if your friends don't

approve?

To me, this is a litmus test of who your friends are, how open-minded and flexible they are. ... Judgmental people can love us, but they can be a real drain to be around.

John Tanasychuk can be reached at jtanasychuk@SunSentinel.com or 954-356-4632.

Newstex ID: KRTB-0067-27695054