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It's about time Lodi became more like San Francisco. The "City by the Bay" has more marijuana dispensaries than Starbucks franchises. The results of this progressive thinking are clear: Homeless populations have disappeared. School test scores have gone through the roof. Crime has become a non-issue.

When is the last time a cup of cappuccino cured anything? Everyone should know by now that the best treatment for chronic pain is getting high. It helps the sick and afflicted forget their suffering. It's also a lot cheaper than going to private doctors, conning them into writing prescriptions for Oxycontin, and then paying outrageous pharmacy prices.

Legalizing marijuana clinics in our fair city is a major step into the 21st century. Think about it. If our leaders were living in the here and now, they would realize that promotion all types of smoking is good for our tax base. It also provides jobs for the area. Think of all the transients who will come to Lodi looking for that miracle cure.

We need major changes in our concept of medicine. When everyone has free health care, the government will no longer be able to afford the level of services we enjoy today. Therefore, promotion of alternatives is a must. Cultivating cannabis can be a first step. It's time people took responsibility for their own illnesses. They can start by growing a few of nature's plants in their own backyards.

We visionaries can imagine the future where the halls of hospitals will have that sweetsickening smell, drifting through the corridors of cancer centers. Patients will no longer need infusions of medically approved toxins. Instead, hallucinations of heavenly valleys will permeate their thoughts.

Struggling high school students will no longer suffer from the anxiety of state testing and college entrance confusion. By the power of medical marijuana, they will enter into an imaginary land where all the pressures of life slowly drift away. All worries about preparing for the future will be gone. When the smoke penetrates the classroom air, others also will share in the same medicinal benefits.

Some say that marijuana is no worse than alcohol. This may be true. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be killed by a driver high on Mary Jane than one who has imbibed on beer.

Opponents of this wonder drug often claim that marijuana is a gateway to other harmful substances. I say, "Hogwash!" I know people, and I'm sure you do too, who have stayed high on this all-natural plant for over 30 years and have not needed to switch to anything else.

The time has come to look at other progressive cities and see what the miracle of marijuana has done for them. Our citizens can no longer endure the pain of outrageous medical costs without practical and profitable solutions. It's time to put the cappuccino away and start enjoying the real fruits of nature's blessings.

In the future, won't it be a great day when the Lodi police pull us over on Turner Road? We'll roll down the window on our smoke-filled '92 Honda and smile. Then with a chuckle, we'll hand the officer our meretricious medical prescription, issued by a Boris Karloff look-alike doc, and say:

"Ha! Gotcha!"

Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist