Aging parents, kids seek accord Group's research facilitates touchy discussion topics

Mary K. Reinhart

Jun. 16, 2008 (McClatchy-Tribune Regional News delivered by Newstex) -- More

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--To learn more about the 40-70 Rule and the 70-40 Rule, find tips and conversation starters and rate your communication skills, go to www.4070talk.com. To learn about services from Home Instead Senior Care in Gilbert, call (480) 827-1001 or go to www. homeinstead.com

--For information about Eldercare Resources, call (480) 632-8170

When Jo Hildebrant's father died, she and her siblings learned just how much he'd been covering for their mother.

The family matriarch had dementia. It soon became clear she could not live alone in her North Dakota home.

So Anna Marie Franco Pallo Gentili came to Mesa to live with Hildebrant and her husband, beginning a journey Jo never expected to navigate but which she manages with communication, lots of help and a sense of humor.

"We need my mother to be loved, respected, cared for," Hildebrant said. "To end her day knowing that it was a great day. Period."

Hildebrant's mother has a full-time caregiver from Home Instead Senior Care, a national firm with offices in Gilbert. The siblings also have the kind of conversa- tions with their 80-year-old mother that many grown children find daunting, if not terrifying.

New research by Home Instead shows that one-third of Baby Boomers surveyed say they're still stuck in a parentchild relationship that makes it difficult to talk with their parents about aging issues, such as living arrangements, driving and finances. That means that concerns about "senior moments" and questions about safety at home may go unaddressed.

At the same time, parents often avoid broaching subjects with their adult children. They may fear burdening them with worries about their health or

finances, and resist giving up their independence.

University of Arizona communications professor Jake Harwood has compiled tips and conversation starters for Home Instead, with the aim of getting parents and their grown children talking.

"Money, health, independence, death. None of these issues are easy to talk about," Harwood said. "One effective technique is thinking about what happens if you don't."

Unfortunately, that's often the case. Decisions about nursing homes or finances are made in crisis mode, from a hospital bed or after bills have been piling up.

By the time most families call Jim McCabe, president of Eldercare Resources, they're already in trouble.

"It's better than it used to be," said McCabe, of Scottsdale. "Ten percent of the people who call me are trying to predict the future. The rest of them are trying to salvage the present."

Relationships may need salvaging, too. McCabe says children and parents need to heal old wounds, or at least acknowledge them, before they can help each other.

"Your parents are going to push your buttons because they put them there," he said.

At the same time, McCabe and Harwood say, children may have a different view of how their parents are doing than the parents have. Hygiene and safety issues are, to some extent, subjective. It may be OK with Dad not to take a shower every day, or even every three or four days.

Starting the conversation early, and gradually, is the key to better understanding and better outcomes.

"One of the mistakes adult children make is to enter this whole process with an air of urgency," McCabe said. "Already, the senior is feeling pressed and resentful and decides to dig in their heels."

Just because you've been concerned for months doesn't mean your parents share your concerns, Harwood said.

"Springing this on them and expecting a sensible response right off the bat is kind of unfair," Harwood said.

Grown children also can take the role reversal too far, he said. They may intend to be helpful and truly believe their parents need them, but that doesn't give them the right to patronize or stereotype them.

"Your mom may have physical problems, but that doesn't mean she's cognitively impaired," he said. "Perhaps her hearing's going, but that doesn't mean she's stupid."

Jo Hildebrant's mother may be losing her memory, but, as she likes to say, she's not losing her mind.

"She brings us so much laughter. And she makes our life very grounded on what's important," Hildebrant said.

The octogenarian, who worked as a nurse until she was 76, remains quick-witted, even as advancing vascular dementia makes it a struggle to put a full sentence together or find her bedroom.

Anna Maria remains feisty, too, and wants to do as much as she can by herself. Harwood says that's a good quality for people as they find themselves relying more on others.

"That's a really important skill for older people to learn: How to be assertive, but at the same time not to be grouchy," Harwood said. "Because if you jump down everyone's throat every time they step over the line, you're going to be another stereotype. You're going to be the curmudgeon."

During her vacation this week from her job as development director for Mesa Senior Services, Hildebrant will take her mother to the podiatrist and work out details of her eventual burial back in North Dakota. It's something they've talked about.

"I always say to my brothers and sisters, 'I'm really thankful you gave me this experience,' " she said. "The worst thing that's facing me right now is, what will I do when she's no longer in my life ?"

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