Web's CaringBridge can save the day during health crisis

Kimberly Matas

Nov. 7, 2009 (McClatchy-Tribune Regional News delivered by Newstex) -- As word spread among friends, family and acquaintances that doctors could do nothing more to treat the cancer ravaging Jack Cotter's body, well-wishers began calling, e-mailing and visiting the Tucson home he shared with his wife, Jocelyn.

The outpouring of support and prayers was welcomed, but overwhelming. For Jocelyn Cotter, having to answer the same questions over and over in telephone conversations and e-mails would take away from the time she could spend with her husband in his final weeks.

"My dad was so inclusive and had so many friends," said one of his five children, Lisa Kirsch of Texas. "You want people to call, but we knew there was going to be a point when she (Jocelyn) couldn't field 100 phone calls a day or have visitors."

At a friend's suggestion, Jocelyn Cotter began sending updates via CaringBridge, a free, nonprofit online service that allows families and friends to stay connected during a health crisis. Kirsch set up a Web site for her father and posted pictures while her mother wrote the updates.

"It gave us a means of sharing with everybody every day and then being able to respond without having to call," said Jocelyn Cotter. "All of our family and friends got an almost daily update from us. Jack would tell us what he wanted to say, when he could."

Without CaringBridge, she said, "I suppose we would have maybe still done the e-mail thing and people could have e-mailed us back, but ... it just seemed like a better, all-encompassing tool."

Cotter's Web site received thousands of hits and hundreds of comments were posted to his guest book. There were even notes posted from a couple of members of the Denver Broncos football team after the players learned about the Web site for their superfan Cotter.

"It was just mind boggling the number of people he touched during his years. He had a real sense for people. He was very caring and always interested in other people," said his wife.

The postings began Sept. 15, announcing Cotter had left the hospital and would receive hospice care at home. Two days later, his wife posted this message: "After consultations with oncologists and with family, we have decided that there will be no more trips on the stretcher in the medical transport van to see doctors. It is actually very freeing. We look forward to some beautiful fall days now when we can enjoy our little courtyard and precious time together."

Ten days later, she wrote: "Our day yesterday was filled with abundance. It was a big day for Poppa, preparing for and participating in a family Mass at home."

All the while, the well-wishes poured in via the guestbook. Some remembered funny anecdotes, like the friend who was still chuckling over the time the deeply religious Cotter commented on her lush roses, saying she must be using holy water on them. Others lamented missing Cotter as he walked his little dog, Panchito, around the neighborhood. Most included prayers and testaments on how Cotter's friendship improved their lives. Wrote one: "I can never repay all you did for my boys and me so I have always worked to pay it forward. You truly taught me love, compassion and support."

Another wrote: "Words cannot sum up all that you have added to this world and the people whose lives you've changed, enriched and touched."

Jocelyn read the guestbook entries to her husband.

"It was a nice place for us as a family to hear some funny, some serious stories. It kind of helped to feel that sense of community, to feel that sense of support," Kirsch said.

Well-wishes turned to messages of condolence on Cotter's CaringBridge guestbook Sept. 30 after Jocelyn Cotter posted an update that her husband had died that morning. Still, the family continued to update the CaringBridge site, adding photos from Cotter's funeral Mass and the eulogy given by his children.

Sona Mehring founded CaringBridge in 1997 after creating a similar Web site to post updates about a friend who was experiencing a difficult pregnancy.

"Through that first CaringBridge pregnancy site there was the ability to bring together the technology with a passionate way to communicate with people," said the Minnesota-based Mehring. "CaringBridge is really there for people who are going through serious health events."

More than half the CaringBridge sites are created by caregivers, said Mehring. "The caregivers just as much need that connection and support and it helps the extended friends and family circle feel the connection as well."

Kathy Harris began a CaringBridge page for her husband, musician Roger Mikulas, after he sustained a serious head injury in 2007 while setting up a stage before the Tucson Folk Festival. She'd learned about the Web site several years earlier from a niece when her young son was recovering from heart surgery.

Harris' husband was in the intensive-care unit in a coma for several months.

"It was hard to call everybody every day," she said, but she didn't buy into CaringBridge right away. "At first I wasn't going to do it because I'm not a technology-savvy person, but I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night so I got up and went to CaringBridge and it took me three minutes to set it up."

Within hours there were 250 messages from friends and family posted to Mikulas' page.

"It was like therapy for me. At night when I got home from the hospital I would write on it and then I would read all the wonderful, supportive messages people sent," Harris said. "An incredible number of messages poured in every day from all over the world.

"He was in a coma for a couple of months. He had no idea what was going on, so later he could go back and read my notes and the messages people sent to him. I would take the messages in to the hospital when he was in a coma and read them to him.

"It really, really helped a lot. All I had to do was write one note a day and everyone knew what was going on."

Two years later, Mikulas has recovered from the brain injury, but he has some residual issues as a result of the months spent in a coma. Harris still occasionally updates as her husband's Caringbridge page which has received more than 36,000 hits.

CaringBridge

For more information about the nonprofit CaringBridge, go to the Web site: www.caringbridge.org

Contact reporter Kimberly Matas at kmatas@azstarnet.com or at 573-4191.

Newstex ID: KRTB-0014-39521778