Campaign eases way to parenting parents

JUSTIN PAPROCKI MCCLATCHY NEWSPAPERS

HILTON HEAD ISLAND, S.C. - Dealing with his father’s death last year was hard enough for Rick King. But soon after that came another difficult situation.

King’s mother, Betty, who was living by herself, fell and broke her hip in her house on Hilton Head Island.

King was living in Columbia, S.C., and frequently commuting to the Hilton Head Plantation home during her recovery. But King was concerned about his 80-year-old mother living alone while he was nearly three hours away.

Dick and Betty King had lived in their home for 16 years, becoming ingrained in the community. But King knew some changes had to be made. He had to broach the topic of where she planned to live.

There comes a time when children need to take on the role of a parent sometimes. It’s the time when your elderly mother starts forgetting the names of relatives. The time when your 77-year-old father has difficulty reading the newspaper yet denies he’s losing his eyesight.

How do you address such touchy subjects?

Home Instead Senior Care, a national home-care service with locations all over the world and several in Arkansas, has started the 40-70 Rule campaign. The rule states that when a child turns 40 or when a parent turns 70, some of those potentially sticky situations should be met head-on. Even if Alzheimer’s isn’t currently an issue or even if driving at night hasn’t posed a problem, the best way is to discuss those issues before they manifest.

“When you’re in the thrust of it, it becomes very emotional,” said Jan Geraghty, Home Instead community service representative. “We’re saying, let’s start to broach these topics earlier.”

Research by Home Instead Senior Care reveals that one-third of children say they are too intimidated to talk to their parents about difficult subjects, she said.

“We will always be our parents’ children, but some have not reached a level where they’re peers,” said Hilton Head Home Instead franchise owner Rachel Carson.

The No. 1 fear of senior citizens isn’t death, but a loss of independence, said Geraghty. So addressing topics that could take away a parent’s sense of freedom can make the situation all the more intimidating.

In King’s case, he approached the conversation by asking what his mother wanted to do, rather than trying to impose what he thought might be right.

Once he asked, King found out that his mother and father actually did talk about moving closer to King and his family in Columbia.

Now, King has helped his mother sell the house on Hilton Head. Betty plans to move to a small house 10 miles away from King in Columbia. The process has been difficult, but now his mother is excited to be trying something new, he said.

“It surprised me that it wasn’t that difficult to talk once we did it.”Delay won’t make talk easier

Home Instead Senior Care with the help of University of Arizona communications professor Jake Harwood has produced a guide detailing the 40-70 Rule, which describes how to open communications between baby boomers and their parents. Request a copy at 4070talk.com.

Here are some tips from the guide:

Get started. If you’re at least 40 or your parents are at least 70, it’s time to start observing and gathering information. Don’t reach a conclusion from a single observation or decide on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.

Talk it out. Discuss what you’ve observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don’t recognize a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.

Sooner is best. Talk sooner rather than later after a crisis has occurred. If you know your parent has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.

Forget the baby talk.

Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronizing speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them.

Maximize independence. Try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimize strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need assistance at home, look to resources that can help them maintain their strengths such as trusted friends, neighbors or in-home caregivers.

Be aware of the whole situation. If a parent dies and soon afterward the house seems to be in disarray, it’s probably not because the surviving spouse suddenly became ill. It’s much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a lifelong relationship. Make sure your parent has friends and a social life.

Ask for help. Many of the issues of aging can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence. Resources such as area agencies on aging, local senior centers and in-home care providers can help provide those solutions.

Family, Pages 39 on 06/25/2008

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