What I Really Know About Tough Choices: Why Not Me?

Time to move from the shadows of my easy chair of thinking and into the bright light of action.

Time to tell my oncologist my decisions about breast cancer surgery.

In the second year of my cancer diagnoses, tests indicated a more aggressive type than a year before. My doctor, my support system of friends and family, and I experienced a lumpectomy together the previous year. This time, my doctor supplied literature and diagrams, compassionately sending me home to sort my thoughts.

I didn’t have to make a decision about the breast with the “Big C”—a single mastectomy was a given. But two decisions did have to be made. Should I have reconstruction during the mastectomy or later, after recovery? And should I remove my remaining healthy breast to lessen the chances of future cancer?

I decided to have reconstruction while I was on the table. The “healthy one” decision was much harder. I sought solace in the literature, pictures and research. I separated my breasts into two distinct mental compartments—“Big C” for cancer and “Big H” for healthy. I wanted Big C gone, but H could become my pal, helping me to remember what it was like to have breasts at all. One does not part easily with good friends. In the end, I decided to say farewell.

During this process I learned that if I spent time asking “Why me?” I could argue that I should not be the one to be sick, and find reasons why it was all a big mistake that still could be turned around. Pure folly, because I was truly, and perhaps terminally, ill. Time spent in nonproductive questioning, and even denial, is time spent recklessly.

Rather, the question “Why not me?” directed me to action. It made me a critical part of the solution, not just the fragile victim for wonderful family, friends and health professionals to act upon. I was a team player by arming myself with facts about my cancer and treatment, and questions for my doctors. I infused myself and my surroundings with humor. I self-administered daily doses of attitude adjustment.

“Why not me?” indeed!

The way well-educated and tough decisions are made is as much a part of the game plan as seeking victory.

The AARP Bulletin’s What I Really Know column comes from our readers. Each month we solicit personal essays on a selected topic and post some of our favorites in print and online. Sue Raye is a reader from Austin, Texas.